Friday, June 27, 2008

"Your uterus has expanded to 1,000 times its original volume...."& so have my tear ducts!

I have a calendar that counts down the 279 days of pregnancy. Everyday it tells you a fact about what's going on with that miracle growing inside of you. Interested? You can find out more about it here. I personally think it makes a great shower gift, or just a congratulations on your pregnancy gift...

Anyway....

My expanding uterus has taken over my mental and emotional state of being. I mean, seriously, is there any reason to burst into tears because your two year old got a hold of your brand new chunky eye liner/eye shadow pencil and used it as a pencil? Or, because you looked at a map and couldn't tell if you should go north or south from your current location - and you just want to get in the car and be there - resulting in a sobbing wife on a cell phone - asking her husband for directions. Brother! Oh, and let's not forget my outburst when I looked in the mirror and didn't like the way my shirt looked with the new color of my hair. (yes, I colored my hair a dark brown/red to get rid of the blond hi-lite roots that had grown half-way down my head)

Oh the tears! And these tears I've been crying lately are the kind that are big, no-stopping, nose running tears. Little One says "Momma sad? It's kay Momma..." Bless his sweetheart.

The past few days I have been a cranky, teary-eyed momma. My temper is short. I have an enormous uterus, and I'm not sleeping well, and I'm having lots of sporadic contractions, and it is stinking HOT in Texas (104 degrees at five in the evening!). So many times today I have had to ask the Lord for grace and forgiveness because of the way I responded to Little One. Sometimes I fail to forget that he is just two. He did nothing wrong when he wasn't quite tall enough to sit at the table in his "big boy chair" (trying very whole-heartedly) to manage feeding himself yogurt with an awkward spoon - and the dish flipped over and yogurt went everywhere. My response to the mess was anything but full of grace and love.

The other evening Little One had used a not-so-pleasant winy voice with me at the dinner table and I scolded him. Hubs commented on the interaction with "he's just being a mirror of you..." Ouch. Again, another example I could give you of my response not being full of grace and love. But since, I've thought a lot about that comment. And, he's right. My response to the flying dish of yogurt - resulted in a screaming toddler demanding more yogurt. I wonder what his response would have been if mine hadn't been so tense and full of frustration?

I am reminded of the Proverb - A gentle answer turns away wrath. hmmm...

Plus, I've had one of those weeks where it feels like I am giving all the time - and am completely empty as a result. I never quite know what to do when I am feeling this way. Sure, there's things I can do. But, who's going to fold the laundry, and load the dishwasher, while I take the time to take care of me? It seems that if I take time for myself, then the tasks fall behind, and then I am left with more stress. I do know that taking time for myself is a necessity - and I always feel better as a result. But, it comes with a fight with myself if things aren't just so...

Lord, please give me what I need to give to my precious family, to walk fully through these last days of my pregnancy and to reflect and rest in you. Tomorrow is a new day, and your mercy will be new. For that, I am sincerely grateful.

Rebecca

4 comments:

*carrie* said...

Rebecca,

Thanks for sharing from your heart.

It's time already for my next retreat, which I'll be taking later today. I will spend time in prayer for you, and hope you might be able to take a small retreat as well. I tend to push too hard to get things done, also, but I know taking time to read and be quiet makes a bigger difference in my heart and mind than completing ALL my tasks (which let's face it, rarely happens, as the list just continues to grow)

Love you, friend.

Michal said...

Wow. Yet again I am amazed by your ability to put your feelings and thoughts on "paper". And while I was reading that I could relate - except for the pregnant part! Hang in there, and DO take an hour for yourself today during little one's nap and rejuvinate. All those chores can wait and for some reason I think it is easier to do them after I have taken an hour to refresh.

Lara said...

I think you're living in my head. I feel the same way... But you are teaching me that I need to be more patient with my children too. It's so hard when you are so tired, etc. I know you were venting, but you actually share words of wisdom too! Thanks!

Susan said...

Rebecca,
Toddlers really test the patience of a mom in normal state. That last trimester has got to be more so trying. Thanks you sharing your real frustration. Thank you for challenge me! Will be praying for you during the last part of the pregnancy. Whew, 104 degress.
Susan