Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Being stretched - part 2

Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging comments concerning our adjustment to Baby Brother and Little One. I am anxious to be on the other side:)

I have debated over whether or not to post about this part - but I've come to the conclusion that there is really nothing to lose if I do. So, here goes!

The second deal that's stretching my heart and faith these days - is the decision concerning the whole birthing process. I have wrestled, tossed and turned over how and what to do. You see, the day Little One was born was a very long day. Hubs and I had planned and desired to do a natural childbirth. Our physician was very supportive and willing to work with us. But, I never actually went into labor on my own. My doctor let me wait until the very last day (two weeks overdue) - and then we went in to be induced. That was at 8:00 in the morning. I labored until 3:00 pm with no pain meds. I still wasn't anywhere close to having a baby. After getting an epidural I relaxed enough to get to the pushing stage - and pushed for two hours - and Little One still wouldn't come. It was at 2:00 in the morning that we had to do a C-section.

Later, my doctor told us that due to certain circumstances of my body, we had a 12% chance of having a successful vbac - and if I tried, there would be risk involved. He told us that with the next one, it would be wise to plan to have a C-section. I will never forget the relief that washed over me when he said these words - because the labor, and then the surgery - along with the emotional let down from my own expectations on myself was something I never wanted to revisit.

Now, two years later, there is still this desire within to try and there is even a bigger desire to be "successful" and prove to myself that I can do it the way I had originally desired. I have asked myself time and again if I am making my choice of a scheduled c-section out of fear? wisdom? lack of faith? All of these questions boil down to the desire in my heart to experience childbirth. I am grieving that there is a very large possibility that will not be a reality for me.

I have decided that we are going to schedule a C-section - and I will rest confidently in that decision. I have also prayed that if it's God's will for me to have experience childbirth, that I would go into labor - and it would be fast and no time for a c-section. Otherwise, I will rest in the date that the doctor and I chose, and we'll go from there.

Since I have come to this conclusion, there is a lot more peace in my heart.

My sister used to be a nurse in labor and delivery - and she had some very encouraging words for me yesterday. She said that a lot of moms who have had the same experience as I and schedule the 2nd C-section are so pleased with the result. They are relieved that it's so much easier than the first, although there may be some disappointment. They are often able to breastfeed when they weren't able to with the first (which is a deal for me as well) and most are ready to go home 48 hours after the delivery. After I talked with her, I had the thought - what's wrong with all of that? I certainly gave my all the first time, and what's wrong with having a somewhat "easy" delivery?

Which brings me to a whole other topic. Sometimes I think it is so weird that I even have a choice. I feel odd making decisions that God should make. Does that make sense? Who am I to determine what day this baby's birthday should be? Just sharing my thoughts here....

The bottom line is that I have to cling to Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Don't lean on my understanding. In this situation (and every other one) acknowledge Him. He'll straighten out the path.

I've had to lay all the facts, opinions, my desires and everything else at the Lord's feet - and trust that he has given us wisdom to know what to do. The bottom line is that we need a healthy baby and a healthy mom. Going this route, I think, will achieve that very thing.

6 comments:

Rachel said...

This is an area I have wrestled with, too. I have always needed to be induced (my kids were 15, 9 and 7 days overdue) and for this I have sometimes felt like my body is a failure...why can't I just go into labor? I've needed to accept that all I want is a healthy baby and whatever it takes to get that child on the ground safely is what I would do. In my first two deliveries fluids were getting dangerously low so on the third I actually opted for the induction at one week past due. I would not call it a lack of faith to schedule that c-section. God has given us the gift of medicine, too, and is sovereign over all. One thing I have heard of since Baby #3 is getting a foot massage to induce labor. I may try that next time. I'll be praying for you!

willblogforshoes said...

We are so in this together!

I spent many months going back and forth and I feel much better now that I've scheduled my C. I would love to go into labor on my own and maybe that's what God has in store for me. Maybe it's not.

Lara said...

What's most important is that your baby is healthy and arrives safely. So you shouldn't feel guilty for the choices you have to make and what is best for you! I scheduled inductions for 2 of my babies, and many may not agree with my decision. But I did what I knew to be best for me and my body and my baby. It will be okay. A C-Section won't make you any less of a mother... Either way you will be filled with such love and such joy. I'm so happy for you. Baby Boy 2 will be here soon. It's going to be wonderful!

Mom2Drew said...

I can hear your heart and feel compelled to tell you that you are NOT a failure! I was there with you when you gave it 110% and Rebecca...NO ONE gave it more of a chance than you! Sometimes society tells us the "correct" way to do things and even Christian society. I'm not saying that's the case here and I know you want to experience CB and BF, but ultimately...it IS in the best interest for you and baby to be safe. With all that said, I will trust and believe God with you for the desires of your heart. It's right around the corner and I soooo wish I could be there for you during this time. I know that it's stressful in many ways and please know I'm praying for you in my daily prayers. I love you friend!

thehomespunheart said...

Lots of good thoughts here - I am trusting God will give you peace in the right way and just know that you are a success - in God's eyes and in those who are privileged to know you!

*carrie* said...

Beck,

You know I can relate. Thanks for sharing so honestly! Praying for a healthy delivery--and God's perfect plan for you and your son!